We’re having a baby … again

Ok so this was inevitable really … I’m not a person who likes to have regrets – if I want something I generally get it because I’m not afraid to go for it …
I deal with the consequences later … as long as I don’t have to one day say “I wish I had …”

The decision on whether or not to have another baby had been on our minds for a while … I kind of knew that I’d love another one, Craig was torn between having another baby or trying to get on the property ladder – and I’m totally with him on that one … but there’s always time to buy a house … there comes a point where having a baby is no longer an option for various reasons…
In my mind this is absolutely a decision that both would be parents have to be on board with – I know, because in my parents’ case it cost me a father. My mother wanted another child and my father made it very clear that he did not. She got pregnant anyway and voila here I am … but I have never met my father, not once … when my mum told him she was pregnant he was out of the picture.
Part of me thinks that’s fair enough but its not as simple as that  …

Anyway – no matter how much I wanted another baby – I knew it had to be a joint decision. So after a lot of conversations I just said to him “we talk about the pro’s and con’s over and over and the facts are not changing so here it is – I’d love another but I’m equally happy with two if that’s what you want – the ball’s in your court – you decide …”
This was last autumn and for several weeks – it may even have been months – he mentioned nothing.
Christmas morning 2014 there was a large squishy parcel for me under the tree … I unwrapped it to find a baby quilt … “let’s do it”

I hope you’re following me so far … but let me explain …
Winry and Sameth both have their own baby quilts, Winry used my old one from when I was a baby and we wanted her to keep it as a keepsake so we bought Sam is own when he was on the way …
At some point in November I was browsing the web for present ideas and christmas shopping when I came across this beautiful baby quilt … cream with chocolate brown bunnies all over …
I showed Craig and cooed over it for some time “If we had another wouldn’t this just be so lovely” “Mhmm – sure dear … bit expensive if you ask me” “well … yes … ok then … ”
This is the very quilt I found myself unwrapping and my little ticker skipped a beat or two … “what does this mean exactly? are you sure you want to try for another??????? (please, please be sure)” … “Yes I’m sure – I’ve taken my time to think about it and I really think we should try”
I’ve always loved his soppy side 😉

Now as I have mentioned before I have a condition called PCOS which made it very difficult to fall pregnant the first time – we tried for Winry nearly two years – one year of which I was on medication.
As soon as we had Winry we knew we wanted another so I started taking medication again when she was about 10 months old and I fell pregnant with Sameth 3 months later – about two weeks after we officially started trying again …

This time I did not want to go down the medication route – I did not want to go through the side effects again and just thought that if we were meant to have another then it would have to happen on its own …
We stopped contraception at the end of January and I did not expect to fall pregnant anytime soon, given the facts. Yes Sameth happened incredibly quickly but I was on medication after all right ?! …

Friday morning, 18th of April. I walked Winry to nursery … on the way back I had to stop and breathe – all of a sudden I felt awfully sick and thought I was going to throw up on the side of the path …
I got suspicious straight away and as soon as I got home I did a pregnancy test … When the test showed up positive 3 minutes later I went into blind panic …
I was so sure that I wanted another one and now I was pregnant and just sat there in a cold sweat panicking … morning sickness, heartburn … Labour … oh my god labour – why would I do this to myself again … sleepless nights, teething, school run with two toddlers and a freakin baby ! Was I mad ? – why on earth had Craig not stopped me in my clearly mad brooding dilusions ???!!!
SO here we are now … no going back …

Thank goodness I have a wonderful husband who is irrationally positive and can see the good in every situation – He was of course over the moon – his only worry being whether our car will hold 3 car seats (it does not … sigh) …
I had quite nasty morning sickness for the next 6 weeks and did not adjust very well to the idea of being a mother of 3 … Hormones and two crazy kids to run around after in the midst of floor renovations will do that to you  …

I’m 14 weeks pregnant now and truthfully happy and excited about our next adventure though. I already can not wait to hold a warm, squidgy baby again – with this incredible newborn smell, the first smiles, the tinyness of their fingers and toes, the unbearable rush of love and getting to know a completely new little human all over again …

But I am scared – my two are hard work all on their own – nevermind a newborn to add to the mix. The sleeplessness is mind numbing and after suffering postnatal depression following my second pregnancy – suffering from it again is a major point of worry for me – I can not describe how awful and devestating it was and how much I never ever want to feel like that again!

But I look at Winry and Sameth and am so excited – They have already taught me so much about patience and kindness and about acceptance and love … so much love ! They are incredible individulas and amaze me every day ! (they also drive me crazy every day)
Having children is very humbling, it makes you slow down and take yourself off that pedestal, It teaches you that life is incredibly short and precious.

I have absolutely no doubt that there will be moments (probably quite a lot of them) where I will think “Oh dear – what have I done ?!” but I look at Winry … She’s not even 4 … all she really needs me for now is to clip her nails and tie her shoes. In a practical sense.
Of course I am still very much the center of her world and every question is directed at me, every hurt reported to me. I am her comfort and her lifeline. But she is so very independent – where have those 4 years gone and what has happened to my little baby ?!
Sameth is not far behind her and the two years since his birth have seemed to go even faster … Honestly – blink and you miss it!

I remember sitting awake with them at night trying to get them settled at 3am and time seemed to drag on and on forever. You wonder over and over if this relentless and unforgiving demand will ever stop…
And the next thing you know you have been sitting at the computer for over an hour typing a blog while your two children have been playing in their room, making up games, arguing and giggeling and it is just plain scary how quickly those years have passed in the end …

Who knows how I will cope and what life with 3 will be like (I’m already dreading 3 kids with a tummy bug – I’ll need to buy some more plastic bowls) – I find myself looking out for families with 3 children in supermarkets or parks and trying to work out if the parents look crazy at all … but they generally seem very calm and normal to me so I’m sure we will be fine …
I can’t help feeling a little greedy sometimes … with two beautiful children – we were sorted really … they each have their own room, we have a routine and all the practicalities are fairly straight forward … a third child will no doubt throw a spanner in the works on the odd occassion …
But then again – you only get one shot at life and there are times where you just need to throw caution to the wind and listen to your heart …
And I am so so glad that we did … no regrets … we can’t wait for you little one 🙂
Until next time …
ta da …